Conversations in the Car: Even Santa's Not Buying This One!

I am amazed by how awake my middle school daughter is at 7:15 a.m. without the assistance of caffeine. Okay, maybe I can understand somewhat, because I am generally a morning person, but lately I have been tired. So the fact that my middle schooler is getting in what sounds like about 500 wpm (words per minute) as she is going on and on about how her magazine Cosmo, Girl! (Wait, didn't I ban that magazine from our house?) was making her a better person. Most of what she was saying was being lost between too tired and haven't had my coffee yet.

What I did manage to hear was that she was the "Queen of Green!" "Mom, Cosmo, Girl! is making sure I am environmentally conscious. I took the quiz on "How Green Are You Really?" and I answered all of the questions correctly. Can you answer all of these questions, mom? Do you know if it is better to use paper or plastic bags? Or whether "Mother Earth" prefers aluminum or plastic bottles? I mean really you should be glad I am reading this stuff. I am becoming more aware of the world. And soon, I will be getting two full years of Cosmo, Girl! and a complimentary gift bag."

I am still considering what kind of latte I want this morning. A holiday latte or just a plain latte. My brain is telling me that I should go with the non-sugary option and then I process what sounded like a two year subscription to Cosmo, Girl! "Wait!" I quickly glance over at my daughter as she is flipping through her magazine. "Did you say something about a two year subscription to Cosmo, Girl!?"

"Relax, mom. I am asking Santa. I have the subscription card and all! Now he...." and my daughter gives me that knowing wink, "Santa, just needs to mail it in. I am sure that Santa will be thrilled to learn that I am trying to be environmentally conscious. That Cosmo, Girl! is more than just a teen fashion magazine, but a magazine that cares about the world. I mean, this magazine even shows me how to make recycled Christmas gifts. Santa should be thrilled by that. I can take an old t-shirt and add a bow to it and now I have a trendy gift to give a friend or how about taking old shoes and tie-dying them."

All I can ask is, "Is tie-dye back in fashion?"

"Mom, that's not the point. This magazine has all kinds of lessons for me. As well as to be practical when asking for Christmas gifts. You know how I get carried away with asking for expensive gifts. This magazine has lists of great gifts for under twenty dollars. Isn't that great mom? Perfect for asking all of our relatives. Like look at this cool clock or there is this recycled watch and this personal massager..."

She keeps listing items and I am still trying to keep up as I am thinking clock, and I can't look at the magazine so I say it out loud, "I am driving Emily! I can't look at your gifts now .... the clock, the watch..." and then it registers. Did you say personal massager?"

"Yeah, I really need one of those. Everyone uses them mom."

Everyone uses them. If only she knew. Alarmed I ask, "Why do you need a personal massager?"

I felt a "Duh, mom" coming on, as my question did sound stupid. "Obviously to massage myself. I mean, I can use it on my neck when I am doing homework. You don't know how stressful homework can be in middle school? I am all tense in my neck." And all I can think is thank you Cosmo, Girl! for your under twenty dollar gift suggestions and my eleven year old wanting her own personal massager. And just as my head is spinning from these thoughts, we arrive at her school. Finally, I say a quick, "Thank God!" Because frankly, this is way too much to process B.C. (before caffeine.)

As she gets out of the car and shuts the door, I notice the magazine on her seat. The page is open to "Things You Can Do Now: You've changed your light bulbs and now you want to do more. But what? Read on!" and "How Green are you Really? Take your eco-aptitude test here!" And just as I am thinking how this magazine might not be so bad, I turn the page to "Are you too hard to Get? Are you too guarded with guys?" and I shake my head, because I know Santa is not buying this one!