As Close As it Gets: My Hollywood Fantasy Evening

I am so depressed. Instead of eating fabulous French cuisine prepared by the world-renowned chef Michel Richard with Oscar-winning writing director Brad Bird at Social Hollywood, I am eating French fries and pizza with my children at Chez Marchant. Earlier in the day I had high hopes that I would find a babysitter (or my husband) to watch my children and then have one of my girlfriends accompany me on a journey to Hollywood to enjoy fabulous French Cuisine and Red Carpet Festivities celebrating the upcoming release of the DVD of the Disney movie RATATOUILLE . Instead of dining with film stars Patton Oswalt, Brian Dennehy and John Ratzenberger, I am dining with my own entourage— Em, Tessa, Sam and Jack. Why? Because my husband had to work late and there seem to be no babysitters available in Orange County.

So instead of writing about my fabulous evening in Hollywood, I am fantasizing in Dana Point. Fantasizing about the evening that might have been just about one of the most exciting evenings of my life since motherhood. I’ve decided since Mothering Heights has asked the question: If you were going to write a hoax-filled novel, what would it be? I will entertain this question with my hoax— more like a fantasy, but hopefully this will do.


“Not Just Another Hollywood Evening” By Liza Marchant

After a whole day to pamper myself, by having what has now become my annual haircut and having a facial waxing to remove my unsightly facial hair and a makeover, I am ready to wear the fabulous outfit I found, that magically makes me look like a “Red Carpet Lady.” Somehow, the ten pounds I have put on over the past month due to my lack of exercise and overindulgence in brownies have mysteriously melted away in time for me to wear my “little black dress.” I look fabulous, unrecognizable to my own children as my seven year old exclaims, “Who are you and what have you done with my mother. You look like a star!” And my response is, “Mommy’s having a night out sans children! And just in case you don’t know what that means, I am going out without you, my little darling! Now, no pouting, you will be having an entertainer, I mean babysitter!”

As my luck would have it, Super Nanny (ABC being an affiliate of Disney) heard about my little dilemma finding a babysitter and immediately sent over their top notch nanny to allow, me, an esteemed writer for Mothering Heights the chance to cover the Premier Disney Event of the month at Social Hollywood. If the truth be known, when Oscar-winning director Brad Bird heard I may not be able to make it because of a babysitting dilemma, he was the one who made the call to Super Nanny. You see, having three children of his own, he secretly reads Mothering Heights for the best advice on parenting and motherhood anecdotes and it is how he has had heard of me, Liza Marchant, by my days as a guest columnist for Mothering Heights. He found my writing to be quite humorous and “witty” and had been wanting to meet me to discuss the possibility of writing a script for an animated movie on motherhood.

Now with a Super Nanny at my door and a suitcase of goodies to entertain my children, I was ready for the stretch limo that showed up with six of my absolutely fabulous friends. I will not mention any names to protect the innocent (as well as not to exclude anyone, you were all there with me in spirit). Off to Hollywood! We were all dressed to the nines. It was only a matter of hours (due to traffic on the “5”) before we found ourselves walking on the Red Carpet into Social Hollywood with the Paparazzi following us asking the inevitable question, “Who are you?” My response was with an air of confidence “The A-List of Motherhood!”

Photos were taken and we pushed through the crowds of people and onlookers to the front of the line to get our table. There was no need to check the list for our names as Michel Richard was expecting us! Oh, yes, Liza Marchant from Mothering Heights. “Bonjour!” I tried not to drool as he shook my hand just wondering what type of treats he had whipped up for us. No sooner had we entered, were we sipping the finest champagne, CHAMPAGNE PAUL BARA, and having appetizers such as his infamous Duck Rillettes and Faux Gras Terrine, Onion Tart, Crab Cakes with Leek Tartar and Smoked Salmon with Corn Brioche.

With all of this indulgence, my thoughts were as far away from motherhood as they could be. No thoughts of the bedtime ritual whining and resistance to turning the lights off. No negotiating one more kiss or one last drink of water. I was a writer covering the latest Disney Event in Hollywood, eating the best French food west of Washington, DC. I was just moments away from my meeting with Brad Bird. Of course I took some time to mingle with some of stars from the movie, Brian Dennehy and John Ratzenberger.

Then came my moment of glory as a writer. Brad Bird introduced himself. I expressed my admiration for his work in animation and then we began discussing an animated comedy portraying “motherhood.” A topic I knew well and wanted to pursue. I myself was not an artist, but I had a vision. A cartoon character. A mother. Forget Desperate/Real Housewives. I had this image of a depressed housewife in Orange County. A cartoon mother always lamenting her image of being “stained.” The signs of motherhood: the peanut butter from her toddler’s hand in her hair, the wet spots on her shirt from her leaky breasts, the bags under the eyes, the baseball-capped-hair and of course t-shirts and sweatpants. The typical signs of a shower and sleep deprived mother. All in Orange County California. The non-glamour of being a mother in an otherwise perceived glamorous place. A future meeting was set in stone and I was soon leaving in my limo ride back to motherhood, back to Dana Point, but I was no longer the struggling writer, but a hopeful author. I was on my rode to success!

Yeah, right! More like my hoax, because there was no Super Nanny at my door. There was no babysitter with a suitcase to entertain my children. There was no one on one meeting with Brad Bird. But I did spend a day working all angles to no avail. In the end I was stuck at home, not eating French cuisine, unless you count the French in fries. I was just a mother of four. The struggling writer with big dreams, plugging away at my daily blog and writing as a guest columnist for Mothering Heights and the Anchors Newsletter (for my church) hoping for a break both literally and figuratively.

My Thankful List from A-Z by Kirra Kelsey (age: 11)

After my own eleven year old's "A-Z Shia LaBeouf Obsession List," I decided to get another eleven year old's perspective on a "Thankful List," a fellow friend and classmate of Em's. Note: She never saw Em's list. Here's a list by Kirra Kelsey.



A-Angels
B-Bandit (my dog)
C-Cat (Halo)
D-Dad
E-Edamame (soy beans)
F-Food
G-God
H-Hale’ (my sis)
I-Ice cream
J-Jack-o-lanterns
K-Kirra (me)
L-Lollipops
M-Mom
N-Nail polish
O-October
P-Potatoes!!
Q-Qtips
R-Roller coasters
S-Shadow (my dog)
T-TV
U-Umbrellas
V-Vacuums
W-Waffles (not whole grain)
X-X games
Y-Yosemite
Z-Zippers

One Mother's Simple Solution

Tonight I received an e-mail, subject "surprise," to find a picture of my two nephews with shaved heads. Was it part of their Halloween costume or an attempt to look like their father, my brother? What, I needed to know? So, I called Seattle. My sister-in-law said it was their solution to the "lice problem" they were faced with... Yikes! But how clever! Luckily for them they have boys. She then confided it was the solution after they refused to sit long enough to have the eggs combed out of their hair.

Making the Grade!

I, I mean Em, got an A- on my, I mean her Earth Cut Away project!!!!

Now the Journey Begins: Writing My New York Times Bestseller

At the beginning of October I began my countdown to a New York Times bestseller, well, now the journey officially begins. Somehow in the excitement of being at my friend's book club and having that rare glass of wine, when asked what I do, I proudly stated, "Not only am I a mother of four, I am writing a New York Times bestseller." Was it the wine or my newly regenerated self-esteem (thanks to my dear friend Christine Fugate of Mothering Heights), who knows, but I said it? The words just came out of my mouth.

Yes, I like to set big goals for myself. Like when I saw my "big picture," the one where I look like I am causing an earthquake running the Dana Point Turkey Trot, I set a goal: lose sixty pounds. I achieved that goal. My New Year's resolution for 2007: Run 1500 miles and run 1500 miles I did, in nine months! So, now, the goal: Write a New York Times bestseller. It took me six months to lose the weight, nine months to run 1500 miles, so I am giving myself a year to write the book. Besides, I have only been thinking about the plot and the characters for about ten years, so one year to do the actual writing seems reasonable.

Its official, twelve months. There are no excuses now. I am completely serious. I have made the announcement and the Laguna Niguel Literati is counting on me to provide them with next November's book. I even have the title, but I am keeping that to myself, as the first title I chose became the name of a movie. Luckily for me, I came up with an even better one, but I can't risk losing that, so mum's the word!

"Eat, pray and what sleep???? I mean eat, drink and be screwed????"

At this point I am going to need a miracle (but I am not sure what that could be, since miracles can't really read a book for me in under two hours, feed my children and husband) or a copy of cliff notes to be prepared for a book club at my friend's house tonight. I should not feel so bad, as I only got the book yesterday. I actually had the opportunity to read the book last night, but I was in the middle of another book I could not put down. The thought of not finding out "the mystery" in "All Mortal Flesh" outweighed reading the book I needed to have read by tonight. I knew that if I didn't finish "All Mortal Flesh," I would not be able to concentrate on "eat pray love."

What a terrible predicament to be in. So, last night when I should have been reading one book, I finished another. Great! Now, I have two hours to skim the book and maybe be able to participate in an educated conversation. Being the first time at the book club, I have no idea what to expect? Am I going to the book club of intellectuals who will be able to tell I have not read the book or will it be the dumb blond book club who I can convince I wrote the book without reading it? Well I don't want to go there, as I am pretty sure I am looking at the first type, as my friend is well read and am sure her book club consists of the Laguna Niguel literati. Which basically means, I am screwed.

I am pretty sure, I should avoid pretending I have read the book. Probably the best approach is to admit that I got the book only yesterday, and explain that with four children... and I am sure I would not even need to continue. "Four children" would be enough of an excuse, but then why was I there with a group of people who read the book? To have free food? What would this say about me? I would then have to explain, I was desperate for a night out and my friend was so kind to invite me and that all future books will be read and hopefully that will be enough? Otherwise, I can pretend I read the book, not say a word and come off as the quiet person who has no opinion. I think I will choose that latter, as quiet never really suited me. Now I better seriously consider feeding my children and my husband or there will be no future book clubs!

My Thankful List from A-Z by Emily Marchant

I have come to two conclusions. One: My eleven year old's list should be renamed, "My Obsession with Shia LaBeouf List" and Two: By age eleven, parents are no longer included on the list or any family for that matter!



A: Ashley- Character in Disturbia (Shia's love interest)

B: Brecht- Kale Brecht's last name from Disturbia
(Shia plays him)

C: Constantine a movie Shia LaBeouf was in.

D: Disturbia (My favorite movie of course Shia is in it!)

E: Even Stevens My favorite old (meaning in her life span: ended four years ago) TV show, Shia was the main character.

F: Francis Quimet (Character Shia played in The Greatest Game Ever Played)

G: The Greatest Game Ever Played (One of my favorite movies, Shia stars in it)

H: Holes (One of my favorite books and movies. Shia is in the movie.)

I: I, Robot (One of my favorite movies, Shia has a small part)

J: June- the month Shia was born.

K: Kale (the name of Shia in Disturbia)

L: LaBeouf (Shia's last name)

M: Maverick (Cody Maverick's last name in Surf's Up, Shia is the voice of the character)

N: Nail biter- What the critics called Disturbia.

O: Out of your seat. (What you will do when you watch Disturbia)

P: Pulse Pounding- What the critics said about Disturbia. *Note- I think she definitely could have put parents here, but no, pulse pounding won!

Q: Quimet (the last name of the character Shia played in The Greatest Game Ever Played)

R: Ronny (Kale's best friend in Disturbia)

S: Shia (need I say more)

T: Transformers (My other favorite movie with Shia)

U: I don't know!

V: Voight (the last name of an actor in Holes)

X: X-Ray (a character in the movie Holes)

Y: Yelnats (last name of Shia's character in Holes)

Z: Zero (a character in Holes)

Author's Note: I know some don't make sense, but I am thankful for the people who said pulse pounding and that junk.

Mother's note: Real wisdom from an eleven year old. I vaguely recall an obsession with C. Thomas Howell and the movie The Outsiders when I was eleven, but would I have devoted an entire "Thankful List" to that????? Maybe.

Temporary Hiatus

This week has been hectic- fires burning and illness. The air quality is so bad, I have had to force myself not to run. I have not used my treadmill either, because the air in my house is stale since I can't open the windows. I should not complain, because as bad as the air is where I am in Dana Point, I can't imagine what it is like closer to the fires. The silver lining for me is I can catch up on reading for my book clubs. As far as writing, well, the computer is where my sick husband lies and well, need I type more with him sleeping? Even I am a compassionate wife at times.

Who's the Man?

The one who had tickets to the Red Sox Game Sunday Night! Way to go WJB!

Guest Blogger (my friend): Wishing You a Healthy Halloween! by Lisa Blaisdell

Hi Friends, Family and Valued Juice Plus Customers,
It’s almost Halloween time….that time when our little ghouls and goblins encounter something really scary!!! …..Candy and Junk Food in MASS! Attached are some fun, tasty, healthy recipes to add to your family holiday tradition.

Remember sugary candy is not really a “treat”, but a trick! It may taste good, but sugar also:

§ Depresses immune function - no wonder there are so many more sick kids in the fall!

§ Promotes tooth decay – ouch! Who wants a cavity filled?

§ Causes blood sugar swings – beware teachers and parents who are hoping for responsive, behavior/emotion controlled kids!

§ Taxes the pancreas – too much sugar over time is a leading cause of Type II diabetes

§ Feeds cancer cells – cancer cells can not multiply without sugar, and we all have some cancer cells floating around

§ Creates cravings for more sugar!

So, have fun serving your kids “real food”and keep candy consumption to a minimum. Just because it is fun to collect on Halloween night doesn’t mean kids have to eat it all! Save 10 favorites and let your child pick one per day for their lunch. Then let the Great Pumpkin -- or mom and dad-- trade the rest for a book, game or other mind stimulating treat! There are also dentists that will buy back collected candy from kids—give them $- just to spare them the dental issues. Everyone will wake up Nov. 1st feeling a whole lot better!

One more tip….don’t forget to eat and serve Juice Plus+ to help bridge the gap between what healthy food you actually eat and what fruits and veggies your body needs for optimal health. Also, feel free to experiment with your serving size! We “up” our daily JP+ servings in the Fall and Winter for extra protection against colds and flues! You can’t eat too much JP…it is only fruits and veggies!

Wishing you a Healthy Halloween!!

Your Partner in Good Health,

Lisa

Lisa Blaisdell
National Marketing Director
Juice Plus+ America's Brand Name for Prevention

(949) 455-3569- voice com
(949) 500-4765- mobile
www.blaisdells4health.com



Kids Healthy Party Treats


Bagel Pizza
Kid’s can make these themselves with a little adult supervision.
Ingredients:
1 standard size bagel, cut in half
tomato sauce
shredded mozzarella cheese
toppings: diced green pepper, chopped onion, chopped tomato, (whatever you like)
seasonings like oregano, basil, and pepper
utensils:
oven
knife
baking sheet
DIRECTIONS:
Set the oven to low heat
Spread the tomato sauce on each bagel half
Add your favorite topping
Put a light sprinkling of seasonings on each half
Put your bagel halves on the baking sheet
Bake in the oven for 5 - 8 minutes. You’ll know they’re done when the cheese is bubbly
Let cool for a minute, then enjoy your tiny pizzas!


Ants on a Log
An all time favorite is “Ants on a Log” because to a kid’s imagination it can look like the raisins are ants on the “log of celery”.
Cut celery stalks in about 1H inch in length sizes. Then fill the center of the celery with peanut butter. Top with raisins. It’s very simple and Take a toy “cootie bug” to place in the middle of the serving tray. Kid’s think it’s cool. That’s protein and carbs together!


Crispy Fun Snack
Slice up red or green apples, put a toothpick in each one, dip in honey, then dip in rice krispies or a healthier cereal such as gorilla munch offered at Trader Joe’s. Make great party snacks!
Bookworm Apple Bark
Grab your books and this crunchy, sweet breakfast treat as you dash off to school.
1 Granny Smith Apple
1 tablespoon peanut butter
2½ tablespoons golden or black raisins
1½ tablespoons dried sweetened cranberries
1 small bunch of fresh chives or fresh parsley (optional plate garnish)
Cut apple into four quarters, starting at the stem. Remove the core by cutting away to leave a flat surface on the apple quarter. Be careful not to cut too much of the edible portion of the apple away. Drop and slightly spread the peanut butter on apple quarters. Mix together the raisins and dried cranberries then sprinkle on peanut butter. Cut chives into one inch pieces and garnish. Serves: 1

Oatmeal cookies (Tastes like german chocolate cake if you use grain-sweetened chocolate chips)
ingredients:
1/2 cup cooking oil
1/4 cup honey/agave nectar
3/4 cup sucanat or turbinado
1 tsp vanilla
mix together in abowl:
G1/4 cup flaxseed & 1 cup water (blended in blender - used as an egg substitute) add thoroughly blended flaxseed mixture to oils and sugars above.
2 cups wheat pastry flour
1 1/2 cup rolled oats
1/2 tsp sea salt
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon
1 cup raisins, carob chips or grain sweetened chocolate chips/or nuts
Mix everything together and bake at 350° for 8-12 minutes.


SILLY FACE SANDWICH
INGREDIENTS:
Condiments (ketchup, mustard, or mayonnaise)
Sandwich roll or bun
Ham or other cold cuts
Raw vegetables
Olives
Cherry tomatoes
Softened cream cheese
Cheese sticks
Cheese cubes
Carrots
Bell peppers
DIRECTIONS:
Spread your child’s favorite condiment on the bottom half of a sandwich roll.
1.Add a slice of ham or another cold cut.
Fold a second slice of meat lengthwise so that it resembles a tongue and lay it across the bun with one end hanging over the edge.
Create a face on the bun top using sliced raw vegetables, olives, and cherry tomatoes for features and softened cream cheese for glue. (The cheese sticks best if you first blot dry the cut veggies with a paper towel.) You can even add a couple of cheese cube “teeth.”
Use a potato peeler or grater to create long carrot curls to pile on top of the sandwich or push bell pepper slices into the bun for a spiky hairdo. 2. 3. 4. 5.


FruitKabob’s
Ingredients:
1 apple
1 bananna
1 cup red seedless grapes
1 cup green seedless grapes
1 cup pineapple chunks
1 cup nonfat yogurt
dried coconut, shredded
utensils:
knife (you’ll need help from adult assistant)
large plate
DIRECTIONS:
Prepare the fruit by washing the grapes, washing the apples and cutting them into
1. small squares, peeling the bananas and cutting them into chunks, and cutting the pineapple into chunks, if it’s fresh. Put the fruit onto a large plate.
Spread coconut onto another large plate.
Slide pieces of fruit onto the skewer and design your own kabob by putting as much or as little of whatever fruit you want! Do this until the stick is almost covered from end to end.
Hold your kabob at the ends and roll it in the yogurt, so the fruit gets covered. Then roll it in the coconut.
Repeat these steps with another skewer.

Symphony of Fruit Pizza
Ingredients:
1 english muffin
2 tablespoons whipped fat-free strawberry cream cheese
cup strawberries, sliced
cup red grapes, quartered
cup canned mandarin oranges, drained
DIRECTIONS:
Toast the english muffin until golden brown. Spread cream cheese on toasted muffin.
Arrange sliced strawberries, grapes, and orange slices on top of the cream cheese.
Slice into quarters and “yummy – fruit pizza!” Serves: 1

My Monday Morning Fantasy Hero!

Step aside Peyton Manning, my favorite quarterback is on his way to breaking your touchdown record! Six touchdowns yesterday. Twenty-seven in seven games. He is smokin' hot all the way around!

My Weekend Picks

Historically I know the Patriots don't do well in Miami, but I am going with the spread. I think they will beat them by 17! As far as the rest of my picks, I am praying to the football Gods that I win!

Tennessee Off (0) Off (0) 1.5 1.5 HOUSTON
DETROIT 2.0 2.0 2.5 2.0 Tampa Bay
New England 16.5 16.5 16.5 16.5 MIAMI
NEW ORLEANS Off (0) 9.0 9.0 9.0 Atlanta
NEW YORK (NYG) Off (0) 9.5 9.0 9.0 San Francisco
Baltimore 3.0 3.0 3.0 3.0 BUFFALO
WASHINGTON 7.0 8.0 8.5 8.5 Arizona
OAKLAND 3.0 3.0 2.5 2.5 Kansas City
CINCINNATI 6.0 6.0 6.0 6.5 New York (NYJ)
PHILADELPHIA 4.5 5.0 5.0 5.5 Chicago
SEATTLE Off (0) 9.0 9.0 8.5 St. Louis
DALLAS 9.5 9.5 9.5 9.5 Minnesota
Pittsburgh 3.5 3.5 3.5 3.5 DENVER
Indianapolis 3.0 3.0 3.0 3.0 JACKSONVILLE

Into the Closet of Forbidden Treasures

The closet of forbidden treasures: Every child's dream, every parent's worst nightmare.

Yesterday my son opened the door to the closet of forbidden treasures. "Mommy, mommy, I want my "rocking dog" (Pottery Barn Kids alternative to the rocking horse) and the beanbag chair."

"Out of the closet!" I yell. "You are not to go in that closet!"

"But mommy, I want my "rocking dog" and the beanbag chair."

"Do I have to come down there? Shut the closet door." But my words mean nothing. I can hear him trying to pull the "rocking dog" out from underneath the giant Love Sak beanbag chair. I breathe deeply before heading downstairs to stop my son from closet disaster. All of these forbidden treasures are crammed in this closet and one wrong move could, well end in an closet avalanche.

As I arrive on scene, my son is tugging the wooden handles of the "rocking dog" but its not budging, but the wicker basket on top of the beanbag chair and the Easter baskets are looking precarious. I am sure the wicker basket is filled with the wooden block set I took away after the "broken window" incident. I'll never forget that... way back on an evening where I was doing "Miss Liza's Date Night," a mom brought her two year old, who wasn't staying, but came in long enough to rip a block out of my son's hand and hurl it through his bedroom window. I can still hear the sound of glass shattering. It happened to be on mother's day weekend, so my gift was a new window. The guy at the hardware store felt sorry for me and only charged me $40 for the glass. I felt lucky and decided once was enough and into the closet of forbidden treasures the blocks were laid to rest.

"Please, mommy, I want my "rocking dog."

"Sam, do you know what the rocking dog is for?"

"Of course, it's for rocking on."

"Right, but why did I put it away?"

"Because we were pretending to surf on it."

"Right, and who ended up with a bloody lip?"

"Tessa."

"Right, so why should I get that dog out?"

"I promise I will never try to surf on the dog again. One more chance."

"Well, you are five now, maybe you deserve a second chance." I wasn't planning on holding my breath. It would only be a matter of hours before that dog was back in the closet. I was sure, but you never know?

No sooner did he have the dog in his room was he back at the closet trying to negotiate the beanbag chair.

I was not budging on this one... "Absolutely not. That beanbag chair is a liability. Do you know what that means?" My son shakes his head "no."
"I didn't think so. Anyway, that beanbag may sit there until Jack is ten."

"I want it!" He yells at me.

"Say that one more time and the "rocking dog" is back in the closet. I do not want to relive the beanbag chair history."

My son retreats and I look at that dreadful beanbag chair and shut the closet. Good riddance. I remember the first time I saw a Love Sak beanbag chair, I was enamoured. I remembered the yellow bean bag chair that I had as a child and couldn't believe its evolution. It had gone from a child-sized vinyl chair filled with little white Styrofoam beads to an adult-sized, slip-covered chair filled with what felt like some sort of gel that molded to my body as I sat in it. I felt lost in the over-sized seat. How cool, but when I looked at the price tag of $300, I sadly walked away.

Months later I was at a friend's house and she was showing me this room over her garage where he teens liked to hang out. In the room she had two Love Saks. I got so excited I jumped into one and expressed my jealousy. She then offered me one and before I knew it, I was on my way home with the Love Sak stuffed in my trunk. I couldn't wait to get it home. My kids were going to love me, but little did I know what I was in for with this beanbag chair.

I proudly brought the children to see the beanbag chair when they came home from school. "It is so big, two of you can sit in it together. No fighting, please!"
At the time, I had only three children, and my oldest was nice enough to let the little ones use it first. I walked away feeling excited that they could have such a cool chair, when I had such a crappy one as a kid, all seemed fine until a few days later when their friends were over.

I was upstairs in our kitchen washing dishes when I heard this thumping noise. I couldn't figure out what it was, so I went downstairs to see and when I opened the door to the playroom I was horrified. There they were. Four children standing on the top shelf of a four tiered bookshelf jumping down into the beanbag chair. "Get down!" I yelled, worried that the bookshelf was going to tip over. "You can't do that. Someone is going to get hurt." The kids were giggling. "But its fun, mommy!" My then three year old son piped up. They all started crying as I dragged the beanbag chair into the bedroom. "No more beanbag chair for now!"

I went back upstairs. The kids went on playing. About twenty minutes later, my five year old daughter at the time, came upstairs crying. She had bumped her head. "How?" I asked. She grabbed my hand and brought me downstairs to her bedroom. There they were, on the top bunk of the bunk bed, jumping off into the beanbag chair.
This was worse than the shelf. "What are you doing? Don't you know what a beanbag chair is for?" I asked exasperated? "Certainly not for jumping off of furniture. You could end up with broken bones." I dragged the beanbag off and stuffed it into what has now become the closet of forbidden treasures. I won't even go into the story about how they brought the beanbag back out of the closet and my son jumped into it by the window and hit his head and had to get seven stitches and of course this happened after bedtime! Needless to say, the second time that beanbag chair was placed in the closet, it was a permanent move!

How could something that I thought would be so cool to have, become my worst nightmare? Why do my kids always seem to find alternative uses to what on the surface seems harmless. A beanbag chair? Of all things, it is meant for sitting in, but no, not with my kids. Then I remembered something. When I was about seven, I remember using my beanbag chair as a giant catcher's mitt. I wanted to practice my fastball, unfortunately for me, I decided to place it in front of my bedroom window and I missed the target and the window broke. My mother was furious.

So once again, I have discovered the "apples" do not fall too far from the "tree." My kids are creative and imaginative. They like to think outside the box. Give them something and they will figure out how many ways they can use it beyond its standard uses, that is before it ends up in the closet of forbidden treasures.

Its no laughing matter, heart attack on a plate!

My husband came home from his physical the other day and his doctor warned him he was on his way to a heart attack. He has high blood pressure, his cholesterol is out of control and his blood-sugar is borderline diabetic. No more eggs and bacon for him! We are looking at a complete diet makeover!

My Thankful List from A-Z by Tessa Marchant Age 7

In an effort to get into the upcoming "Holiday Spirit" at dinner we have been discussing what we are thankful for...







I AM THANKFUL FOR-
A- Alex Wolf
B- Brothers (Sam and Jack)
C- Coconuts
D- Dad
E- Emily
F- Frankie Jonas
G- God
H- Hawaii
I- Ice Cream
J- Jump Houses
K- Kites
L- Love
M- Mom
N- Neo Pets
O- Oranges
P- Pie
Q- Questions
R- Rice
S- Soccer
T- Tessa
U- Umbrellas
V- Violets
W- Water
X- Xylophones
Y- Yaks
Z- Zebras

Disgruntled mother or in need of a vacation?

My husband has just pointed out that my latest blogs portray me as a disgruntled mother. Sure I may sound that way, but maybe the truth is I have not had twenty-four hours off in over seven years. Maybe I just need a vacation? What do you think? Four kids, 24/7... no break in seven years? Do I need a vacation or am I just a disgruntled mother?

Not Another Pumpkin Patch Trip

What kind of mother am I? My five year old is asking me if he can go to the pumpkin patch with his class this year, because last year he couldn't go. "Please," he begs. "Remember mommy, remember I couldn't go last year for some reason. Why couldn't I go?" I pretend to think about it for a moment. Oh yeah! Last year I was thrilled when I found the pumpkin patch trip conflicted with my then six and ten year olds minimum day at school. There was no way I could go to the pumpkin patch and be able to pick my daughters up at school. My husband was out of town. I didn't want to call upon a friend or I used that as an excuse. It was a "no can do" situation. I just kept my son at home for the day. I never let on that going on another pumpkin patch field trip (number eight or nine) would have probably led me one step closer to the sanitarium.

By kid number three and having annual pre-school and kindergarten pumpkin patch trips, I had been way too many times to find any enjoyment from pumpkin patch trips with child number three. I will not even think about child number four. The good news is my son can go this year, because I do not have to escort him! Yeah, thanks to other willing mothers, he will have a chaperon! In the kindergarten class there does not have to be a 1:1 ratio. I am so happy I don't have to take another tour of the corn maze or go on another hayride (which usually results in having an itchy backside.) And furthermore, I won't have to stand around while my child examines what seems like a thousand pumpkins before deciding on which one will come home and rot by the kitchen sink because we never get around to carving it.

I really am a bad mother at times. Did I ever get excited about the pumpkin patch? I think I did. I seem to remember the excitement of bringing my first child on her first trip to the pumpkin patch, but now I am just a cynical mother of four who would rather be doing other things than standing around in a field of pumpkins. However, I am glad my son can go without me so he can have pumpkin patch memories and hopefully find the pumpkin of his dreams!

Sleeping on the job!

On Fridays, my toddler and I do our volunteer work at Monarch Bay Montessori Academy. My job is to work at the front desk and his job, well, is to greet people. Everyone knows Jack! Anyway, his job may be in jeopardy as I caught him sleeping on the job. Hopefully his boss won't see this picture, but it was too cute not to post.

You are here: Motherhood

Some days I wonder what the heck I am doing? Sure, I know what I need to do. Wake up, wake my kids up, feed my kids, make their lunch, drive them to school, empty the dishwasher, make beds, load the washer, empty the dryer, fold laundry, the list goes on, pick my kids up from school, feed them snacks, do homework, play referee when they fight, go to soccer, go to youth group, make dinner, eat dinner, put the dishes in the dishwasher, bathe the kids and go to bed! Thank God for bed!

Am I just feeling useless because its that time of the month otherwise known as a punctuation mark? I'm hormonal. I'm feeling foggy. I'm feeling bloated. I'm feeling unproductive. I am questioning all this stuff I do everyday. What is it all for? What is the big picture? Am I actually accomplishing anything? I feel like I need one of those maps that shows, "You are here!" But where is here? Duh! I see the big red arrow. Its pointing where? Motherhood. That's where I am on the map. Everything I am doing is because I have children. I need to get used to it and stop complaining. Good old motherhood!

Just the other day I was talking to a friend. I was telling her about this mom I know who cries every time she drops her child off at school because she misses having the time with him. I asked her if there was something wrong with me because I am thrilled to drop my kids off at school? My friend then said, there is something obviously wrong with the woman who is crying. "Who cries when they drop their children off at school? It is usually the other way around. I used have to pry my daughter off of me, but it was for her own good and my sanity. I was ecstatic to leave her at school. Being an only child, she had other kids to play with and I didn't have to be her dog and pony show. All mothers need time for themselves to work or do whatever."

She was right. But what about the women who home school their children? Not too long ago I was talking with a group of women about home schooling. A couple of the women were pro-home schooling. I sat there in disbelief. I was appalled at the idea of having to educate my children. I can barely get them to do homework, forget twelve years of education. Am I bad mother because I think I would be miserable if I had to home school my kids? When I told my friends how I felt about home schooling, one friend told me that if I had to home school my children, I would. I thought about it for a moment, and then replied, "Only in the worst of circumstances. Like if there was some kind of natural disaster that prevented me from getting them to a school." And then, another mother questioned my love? As if not being able to home school my children could be equated with how much I love them?

I love my children, but motherhood at times is exhausting. There is so much that goes along with having children. I think if there was less work... less laundry, less cooking, less cleaning, etcetera, then maybe I would have more time for the fun stuff with my kids. If there were just less have-to's and more free time, motherhood would be more enjoyable.

Or maybe I just need a new attitude? Maybe I need to embrace this time in my life, see past all the chaos and the drama and the housework? I need to be the mother that gets excited to pick her kids up from school. I certainly will never be the mother who cries when I drop them off, but when I pick them up, I will make more of effort to have fun with them.

Then maybe they won't fight and they will listen to me. They will say, "Sure mom! We'll help you. We will clean our toys and do our homework. No fussing. We won't cry when you say "no" and we will go to bed on time, no excuses! My job will practically be done for me by my kids. Yeah right, because no matter how excited I am to see them, they are just kids. It does not matter how nice I am, because they will still cry when its time to do homework, be too tired when its time to clean up and complain about going to bed. Reality check! You are here: Motherhood. Not Fantasyland.

All out of time....

Some days I just can't do it "all." As much as I would like to be able to accomplish a list of tasks, this is one of those days where my kids' activities have taken over. (Please note the Mother Lode on Wednesday) The drop offs at school combined with my two appointments and the pick ups after school and the extra-curricular activities means all of my time is gone! I will be lucky if I have a minute to spare. I am at the point where I need to decide whether to eat or write? And while I should repent for the recent indulgence of brownie sundaes and apple fritters (pre-menstual food mishaps), if I am to make it until 7:00 p.m., I better take the latter, as I have already missed breakfast and skipping another meal may lead to "low-blood-sugar-evil-mom." I will step away from the computer and into the kitchen and consider this one of my "lost days." Tomorrow I can get back on the treadmill and back on the computer. If I am lucky, I may have a moment in between stops to jot down some notes on paper. But for now, food first!

"Tabula Rasa"

After a year of running and reaching my goal of 1500 miles, I found myself at a point where if I didn't run 12 miles or 13 miles... then I wasn't working out. I had reached the point I needed a "clean slate." I found myself overwhelmed at the thought of "outdoing" myself and I ended up running less. Now that I have started writing again, I have decided to set a new goal. Last year, I was able to make running a part of my daily routine. Now my new goal is: to write and run at least five days a week. Ultimately, I would love to write and run everyday, but I need to be realistic, as I do have a family and if I don't give myself some room, then I will only end up disappointed. So, five days it is! No excuses! I will begin running as if today is my first day! Twenty minutes. Then I will write for forty minutes! "Tabula Rasa!"

What Makes My Sixth Grader Happy

Note to self: Hormones. On the verge of tears one minute, angry slamming doors the next and twelve hours later in the morning "sorry mom I don't know what came over me last night, but today's a great day!" She's smiling almost to the point of a nervous giggle.

"Do you know why today's a great day?"

After last night's episode of drama after soccer, because her friend has another friend that is going to be the "star" in a movie and I am the mom who refuses to drive her to Hollywood for roles as extras because I know in the end it will cost us money (plus with the history of childhood actors I am not sold on the idea), I can't imagine? Last night I was the unsupportive mother, now she wants to tell me why this is going to be a great day! "Humor me," I mumble under my breath. (Oh god, I am turning into my father, that was my father's expression.)

"The movie "Tranformers" is in stores today. I can buy the movie "Transformers" with my babysitting money!"

All I can hear in my head is "Transformers more than meets the eye. Transformers, robots in disguise." A television commercial from how many years ago, I can't remember, but I think my brothers may have had those or the kids I babysat did? I was unaware that there was a movie, but what mystified me was why my daughter wanted a movie about Transformers? Two weeks ago she had saved enough for "Disturbia." She had been obsessed with that movie ever since her eighth grade friend introduced her to it. I chalked that up to being her "first scary movie." I compared that to my obsession with watching "Poltergiest" when I was a teen. So, now its "Transformers."

"Mom, I can't wait!" A movie? "Transformers" restores her hormones to balance. What's next?

I continued my morning routine as she got dressed. Before I knew it, we had to leave to take my son to school. Em did not have time to eat breakfast. I told her I had to get paper towels at the supermarket and I could get her some breakfast bars. "Ralph's!" she exclaimed! She was almost shaking from excitment as if I told her I bought her concert tickets or something like that. "

"Mom, they may have the movie! I am not sure, its early? I'll bring my wallet just in case! I may be the first person in California to buy the movie!"

The whole ride to the supermarket, she talked about owning the movie, being the first to buy the movie, how great this day was because of the movie. As soon as she got home from school she could watch the movie. Come to find out, she has never seen the movie.

"What?" I ask. "Then how do you know its worth buying?"

Her answer, "Because?"

No, that was not enough! There had to be more to this! At the supermarket, I got my answer. We did not have to wait to find out if the movie was there, because copies were at the checkout on almost every aisle. You know you're getting old when you don't know the "in" movies. She grabbed a copy and opened her wallet, but then she stopped and exclaimed, "They have "Surf's Up" too! I may buy that one next."

Okay, a cartoon! She stopped watching those a few years ago. What was this all about? I demanded an explanation.

She blushed as she whispered, "Shia LaBeouf."

Once again, my lightbulb went on! No wonder why she wanted to know where our copy of "Holes" was last week. Oh, those hormones! At least I know what makes her happy, Shia LaBeouf!

The Mother Lode on Diapers: Not all diapers are created equal!

During my "Home on a Budget" experiment I was given some diapers from a friend whose child no longer needs them. Since my own diaper supply had been depleted, I have been using them for my toddler. After four days he had the worst diaper rash I have ever seen (keep in mind I have four kids experience.) I have always used "Pampers" brand, but I was not about to turn my nose up at "free diapers." I have gone back to "Pampers" and the rash is gone. I compared the two diapers and there is definitely a difference in the lining. Whatever is used in the "Huggies" brand irritated my son's bottom. Either my son has a sensitive tush or not all diapers are created equal. I'm sticking with the latter!

All I want for Christmas is root canal????????

How come teeth and eye care got left behind when whoever created medical insurance came up with the idea? Let's cover everything but the teeth and eyes. Let's create a separate insurance for those. Fair deal? Not so much, when oral health care is vital to overall health. Gum disease can lead to a whole array of other health problems. So, now that I am faced with my seven year old needing root canal because she got the "bad teeth" in our family, I have got to find a way to pay for this or else she may be looking at dentures for Christmas. Forget her two front teeth. All I want for Christmas is "root canal"...

Dear Santa,

Please give me root canal surgery for Christmas so I do not need dentures. Maybe a nice pair of crowns to go with that and I don't mean the kind I can wear with my princess costume. I mean the porcelain kind that go over teeth.

Many Thanks,
Tessa

P.S. I don't need the full cost of the root canal, just what my dental insurance won't cover. My mommy tried to set up a payment plan, but my dentist said she doesn't do that.

I don't get too angry about anything. I always try to find the humor in every situation, but today, for once, I could only cry as the receptionist at the dentist told me, if I couldn't pay our portion of the "root canal" then my daughter's teeth would have to wait. It did not matter if our dental insurance covered most of the cost. They wouldn't take a payment plan. Her last words, "its our policy."

As I hung up, all I could think is, it is your policy to let a seven year old's teeth rot? I really felt sick to my stomach. There was a part of me that understood, sure, the dentist works hard and should get paid. She certainly is under no obligation to help people who can not pay. What is hard for me is, we have insurance. We have dental insurance that covers more than half of the cost, but we don't have enough cash to make up the difference, and there is really nothing my husband and I can do about that. We are working as hard as we can with four children.

If that were all, I may be able to accept that, but then I know, there are people who do not work by choice and the state pays for all of their medical and dental needs. I am not talking about the people who are out looking for jobs every day. I am talking about the people who live off the system indefintely. What else bothers me is, that if someone breaks his or her arm and he or she goes to a hospital, a hospital can't say, "sorry you have no insurance or money, we won't treat you." That is against the law. They have an obligation to treat the patient. Why is a broken arm more important than a rotting tooth?

I wish I had the answers. There must be a endodontist willing to do the "root canal" with a payment plan. I know there must be, because otherwise I will sell my wedding ring, before I tell my daugther she has to ask Santa for "root canal."

My Weekend Picks

I just needed an excuse to put a picture of my favorite quarterback on my blog. The weekend is here. My picks are in! (Bold)


TAMPA BAY 3.0 3.0 3.0 3.0 Tennessee
CHICAGO 6.0 5.5 5.5 5.0 Minnesota
JACKSONVILLE 6.5 6.5 6.5 6.5 Houston
CLEVELAND 4.5 4.5 4.5 4.5 Miami
BALTIMORE 10.0 9.5 9.5 9.5 St. Louis
GREEN BAY 3.0 3.0 3.0 3.0 Washington
Cincinnati 3.0 3.0 3.0 3.0 KANSAS CITY
Philadelphia 3.0 3.0 3.0 3.0 NEW YORK (NYJ)
ARIZONA 4.5 4.0 4.0 4.0 Carolina
SAN DIEGO 10.0 10.0 9.5 9.5 Oakland
New England Off (0) 4.5 5.5 5.5 DALLAS
SEATTLE 6.5 6.5 6.5 6.5 New Orleans
New York (NYG) 3.5 3.5 3.5 3.5 ATLANTA

The Chauffeur is ready, now where are the kids?

The chauffeur is ready. I'm standing at the car. My toddler is strapped in, but where are my other kids? I swear I saw them leave the house. Why am I always the one that is ready? Its not my soccer practice. I feel like I am constantly trying to herd my children to get ready to go places. I think maybe I need a sheep dog. I hear my son behind me. He's bouncing a ball. "Put the ball down and get in the car, please." But he keeps bouncing the ball. "Hello, can you hear me? Put the ball down and get in the car. And by the way, where are your sisters?" He doesn't need to answer because I hear giggling from behind the other side of the car. "Tessa, get in the car. We have to go to soccer practice." Then out of the corner of my eye, I see her escape from the garage. Meanwhile, the bouncing continues. "Ball away, in the car." I demand as I walk outside the garage to find my daughter. She's now hiding in the bushes, and Em, where is Em? Its her soccer practice. I go back to the house and unlock the door. "Em, we are leaving now!" No answer. I yell at the top of my lungs, "Em, we are leaving now!" When I know she has heard me, I tell her to lock the house. I head back out to the car and now Sam and Tessa are playing handball. "In the car." This is exhausting. For once I would just like to be able to go somewhere without all of this craziness. When I say go to the car, the kids walk out and get in the car and buckle themselves in. No ball game, no hide-n-seek, just in the car. No more twenty minutes of whatever. Finally, everyone is in the car. I sit hoping for a moment of calm, but then I get, "Turn the music on!" No please! Just "Turn the music on!" Followed by. " A little louder. A little softer. Louder!" I give up!

"Waste Not, Want Not" the conclusion to "Home on a Budget"

My "Home on a Budget: A Real Life Experiment" is on its last day. We have $1.77 left until payday tomorrow. My family has survived. The good news is we won't have to eat ketchup soup, although I have heard from a reliable source that it is better than "tuna casserole" that is made with, I hesistate to write it because I know what happens when I mention the word (more advertisments), but I will in Spanish, comida de gato. And for those of you who do not know Spanish, look it up!

My family started the experiment with $257.11 and because of some net gains ($1 in laundry, $40 gift from friend, $30 perfume sale, $20 Bunko, $25 Safeway gift card, $12.35 recyclables) that figure ended up being $385.36. My family spent $383.59 over the ten days. I guess the real question is: Would we have survived on the initial $257.11? Probably, but there would have been more sacrifices. There would have been no fresh fruits and vegetables and no school picture for my five year old. We probably would have had to eat more pasta, rice, beans and peanut butter and jelly.

Over the ten days, I have learned there are sacrifices on a limited budget. The key is figuring out where to make those sacrifices. I like fresh fruits and vegetables, but they are more expensive. On the limited budget, they were the first to go. I looked for sales, but most of the deals were on what I consider "junk food" or "high sugar items." I will not mention any brands or products for fear of unwanted advertising on my blog. As I cut out my normal at least "five-a-day" fruits and vegetables, my body started to feel more lethargic from eating more breads and pastas. This became what I consider an "unhealthy sacrifice." Any "extra money" was used to buy fresh fruits and vegetables in order to maintain some standard of nutrition.

On the other hand, I also learned where I could make "healthy sacrifices." In the past, I have bought mid-priced hair products and named brand household items. When we ran out of shampoo, I found a sale on VO5 products. Their shampoos were a $1 a bottle. I bought two bottles for our home. I found the shampoo to be great. I am picky about fragrances, but there were at least ten available, so I found one that I liked (green tea.) I also purchased bargain brand sandwich baggies, aluminum foil, trash bags and paper products. Making sacrifices on non-food items was definitely a great way to make our dollars go farther.

When our paycheck comes tomorrow, we have many financial obligations. While our budget won't be as tight as the first half of October, we will still have a limited amount of money for groceries and household expenses. We are rebuilding after what I have called our family's financial "Katrina."

The greatest lesson I have learned is "Waste Not, Want Not." Four small words, but very meaningful. As a child, I heard that phrase many times from my "depression era" grandmother. I had no idea what those words truly meant until now. The truth is: before my family was on a forced budget, we wasted so much food. Leftovers were most always tossed and food spoiled because we ended up eating out when we got "too busy" to cook. Our trash was always spilling over. We definitely did not live by the theory "if we do not waste what we have today, we will still have it in the future." If we had, who knows where would be? But I can not rewrite history. I am not going to look at this as failure in my life, but a great lesson. A mere stepping stone to better a life. A life in which I "Waste Not, Want Not."

Thank You, Matthew 7:7-11.

Matthew 7:7-11 Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened to you. (8) For each one who asks receives; and he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, it shall be opened. (9) Or what man is there of you, if his son asks a loaf, will he give him a stone? (10) Or if he asks a fish, will he give him a snake? (11) If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Father in Heaven give good things to those who ask Him?

A Piece of Blankie Bliss

Oh the Blankie! Some children love them from birth. They provide comfort at bedtime. They provide warmth on cold day. They become a companion to a thumb sucker. Blankie and thumb. Thumb and blankie. Oh, blankie= security. Some mothers loathe them as they become the “have to have,” but I have a true appreciation for the “blankie loving child.” I was one. I had yellow waffle print blankie with a satin ribbon lining. As the ribbon wore off, it became knotted and tattered and torn and then it was gone. Poof. Blankie disintegrated. Went back to the earth. Or the trash (thanks to my mother?)

Last Saturday, at my daughter’s soccer game, I was reminded of my blankie by another little girl who had her own. I saw her holding what could only be described as a tattered mess. When I asked her what she was holding (full well knowing from my past what it was?) She proudly stated, “My blankie. I love my blankie.” Then she put her thumb in her mouth and started sucking. Then she proceeded to rub her blankie on her face. Oh, the memories. I could remember how my own blankie felt on my face. Pure Blankie Bliss.

I love seeing children hold blankies as if no one could pry them from them. That they could stand you down if you got too close. Not too long ago, I was having coffee at Starbucks with some fellow mommies and we were telling “blankie stories,” as if I am actually admitting we have nothing better to talk about. This one mother was describing her son’s blankie ritual as if comparing him to a drug addict. “I don’t let him take his blankie to school. That’s where I draw the line. So, when I pick him up, he immediately wants his blankie which is waiting for him in the car. As soon as I open the door he throws himself on his blankie. He rubs his nose in it breathing deeply. He almost hyperventilates on the blankie. He can’t get enough and then after a few minutes he’s done, he has had his blankie fix.”

As she finished her story, a debate began on whether allowing a child to have a “blankie relationship” was okay? I tried to ensure some confidence that most kids out grow their “blankie habit” as I had by age eight or nine. I didn’t bring up the person I knew in college who had had a blankie and sucked her thumb, but then someone trumped that with a story of a “38 year-old” who still had a blankie. Wow. I suppose if you spun it the right way, you could say I have a blankie.” I have this fleece blanket I like to sleep with because my husband is a “cover hog” and sometimes I end up with none, so I use my “blankie.” After all was said, there were some mothers who were still “blankie skeptics.”

After some thought, I came to this conclusion. Why should we be surprised children become attached to blankets? Blankets become their first protection. Right after birth, babies are swaddled in them. Eventually they kick them off, but they still sleep with them. So, what if a child likes to rub a blankie on his or her face or suck his or her thumb, at least he or she has a way to self-soothe. Most kids abandon them as they mature, so why not let them have that little piece. Just like the little girl on the soccer field. A piece of Blankie Bliss.

My "Hips Don't Lie"

I was devoted. I set a goal. Run 1500 miles. I made that goal, but now I am working on another goal. My writing. I came to the realization that while running helped my "hips" it didn't pay. Writing, I have a shot at an income. So, now that my treadmill has taken the back burner to my computer, I am beginning to see those hips re-emerge... from where? Now, I have to find a way to fit in more treadmill time and still have computer time or else. My "Hips Don't Lie!"

Alert! Mom has night out and triples her money!

Alarms are activated, mom is trying to leave the house! "Mommy where are you going?" I look at my five year old trying to whisper so my eighteen month old does not hear me. "Bunko."

"What?" My son yells at about 9 decimals.

"Mommy's going to Bunko," I say a little louder than a whisper.

"Why?"

"Its mommy job," trying to be funny.

"I thought it was a game?"

"Well, it is, but I can win money. Mommy is going to try and win some money and if I do we will do something special tomorrow," as if making some kind of potential offering would help me exit the house. I can see my son smiling at me as I am ready to open the door, but before I can make my exit my seven year old appears.

"Mommy, where are you going?"

Oh, not again! "Shhhhh, I don't want Jack to hear me leaving," I whisper.

"Mommy, where are you going?"

"Bunko. I am going to be late. I told your brother if I win, we will do something special tomorrow." I am golden as she smiles and walks away.

Finally! I am able to leave without my toddler hearing me. Sometimes I wonder what I have to do to get a night out around here? My kids don't bat an eyelash when my husband leaves the house, but the minute I touch the doorknob the alarm sounds. Oh, brother!

I almost considered not going to my "Bunko Night" because of our "Home on a Budget Project" but after much debate and a phone call to my sister, I decided I had to get out. My sister had suggested borrowing ten dollars from a friend to play, given the family budget of $45, but I couldn't bring myself to ask. I just decided I would take my chances and hopefully be the biggest loser and come home with my money or have the most wins or Bunkos so I could win some money.

I went to Bunko as if I was going to a job. On the car ride over I mentally prepared myself for the work ahead. I would hold those dice in my hand and really think about how I threw them as to have the best chance at throwing whatever number on the dice that we were playing. Before rolling, I might blow on them for good luck or say some kind of "dice prayer". Strategies. I had to have some strategies if I was going to be a winner.

When I came to a red light, I warmed my hands up with some stretching exercises. I was a woman on a mission: to win some money or my family may be eating "Ketchup Soup"* for dinner on Friday if I lost the $10 to an evening of low stakes gambling. How would that sit with my kids? "Sorry, mommy needed a night out. Not only did I leave you for an evening, but I blew Friday's dinner money on a dice game." No I would spare having to tell my children "mommy was a loser," I was going to come home a winner!

And while most of you skeptics out there must be saying, "There's no way anyone can strategize over a dice game or think it is possible to win on command," the stars were aligned properly as I did end the night with the most wins. Had it been the pre-bunko prayers I said or the hand warm-ups? Maybe it was just "Pure Luck" going into Bunko with practically my last $10 or just my fantasy that I am some kind of "Bunko Superstar." Its all in the hand that's shakin'! Who knows? All I know is I did something right, because I came home a winner. Which means, there will be no "Ketchup Soup" on Friday Night. We may even be able to have Pizza to celebrate surviving "Home on a Budget!" Dare to dream! I am a winner!



Ketchup Soup Recipe (please note, my husband did not want me to post this recipe for fear that people would think we were actually eating this as a meal)

20 or So Packets of Ketchup
and water to taste.... Bring to a simmer.

If it were up to me....

I love my Nike running shoes, I have and always will. Poof make those unwanted advertisements disappear. Because I like shopping at the Gap and Banana Republic. Nordstrom's will do. Poof! Are they gone yet? Those crazy ads. I read the "New York Times." How about movies? I love movies, and oh, football. How about the New England Patriots. The NFL. Let's do the NFL, but I do not want to mention distant relatives of a certain team from Carolina or something that people wear under the jeans that I buy at the Gap! Are they gone? How about I-Pod's. Or HBO. AMC. ABC. HGTV. But let's steer clear from the one with blank in front of planet. Coffee, I like coffee and chocolate and travel. Travel is great! Supermarkets. I am there five-six sometimes seven days a week. Von's, Ralph's, Gelson's you know the big ones. Poof, make the unwanted ads disappear and with my thoughts these will appear!

Cosmo what, girl? More like young adult!

"Mom, I am vulnerable to sports injury you know. I need to be careful at soccer practice."

"Did you say something?" I look up from my book at my daughter.

"Mom, don't you care that I am vulnerable to injury at soccer?"

I am confused, "What are you talking about?"

"Cosmo girl! mom. The article is "MVP Mishaps! I read the article and I am vulnerable to sports injuries."

Still thinking about my book, "Aren't we all?"

"Mom, you are not taking this seriously. Do you want me to tear my ACL?"

Closing my book, she's got my attention as I am slightly amused, "Go on."

"Well, Cosmo girl! says that when I have my period
I am more at risk to injuring my ACL and tonight I hurt my knee, I think you should read the article."

She hands me the magazine and walks away. All I can think is thanks Cosmo girl! for adding more drama to my life. The article titled "MVP Mishaps!" has a by-line that reads, "Protect your body so you're scoring on the field, not sitting on the sideline!" As I read further I can see why my eleven year old is alarmed, not that she does cheerleading, volleyball or gymnastics. It reads, "Watch out for: fractures. Explosive moves, like hitting a vault or spiking a volleyball can break small bones. To heal, you'd have to stop playing and wear a cast or a splint for six weeks." No wonder why she is suddenly hypersensitive to playing sports. If I were eleven, I'd be nervous too! But then the article continues with a segment on prevention. "Strengthen forearm muscles with wrist curls or extensions using one to three pound dumbbells."

Suddenly I see the light bulb, the other day she was talking about needing to do some exercises to protect herself from getting hurt and now that she has her period, according to the article, she is at risk for the ACL injury. No wonder why she didn't want to go to soccer tonight. What else is in this magazine?

As I read further I find most of it harmless, fashion advertisements mostly. Although, I did come across a few medical stories about late teens almost dying from bacterial meningitis and another story on a late teen almost dying from a fractured neck in a cheerleading accident. Another answer to why my daughter is worried about injury and her health, but overall the magazine seemed "PG." And just as I was coming to this conclusion, another article caught my eye which made me reassess my initial evaluation.

How had I missed "is real ideal?" on whether or not to have Breast Implants? And with further reading I found "The Gender Spectrum" on people coming to terms with their true gender identities. New conclusion. Cosmo girl! is definitely out! There are definitely some topics I would like to discuss with my daughter before she reads about them in a magazine. I have a feeling we will be discussing this issue (no pun intended) in the days to come.

"A Blessing of the Animals"

"If you have men who will exclude any of God's creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who deal likewise with their fellow men."
-St. Francis of Assisi


As much as I like to make fun of women who drive around town with their dressed dogs on their laps and people who push their dogs around in doggy strollers (as if dogs had such contraptions before some person invented the “dog stroller”) and people who write pets into their wills, animals are God’s creatures too. And while at times, my mockery of pet people who go to extremes may get the best of my writing, I will acknowledge on a serious note that animals are truly a gift from God.

Animals are companions to people. A bond between a person and a pet in its simplicity, is like no other relationship, as we communicate through a universal language of eye contact and touch . Pets have provided companionship to single households, families and elderly, as well as lead the blind and work as healers to the terminally ill. It is important to acknowledge the roles that pets play in our lives as well as being here on earth. It is truly hard to imagine a world without animals.

In order to honor my own pet, a Sulcata tortoise, my boys, Jack and Sam, and I brought “Junior Soprano” to the “Blessing of the Animals” service at our church, St. Clement’s by-the -Sea, Saturday morning. “The Blessing of the Animals” ceremony is a customary service held on or around October 4 in remembrance of Saint Francis of Assisi, the Patron Saint of animals, birds and the environment. The service is centered around prayers for animals and blessing them with “Holy Water”. Even I, the often sarcastic pet writer, was moved by the prayers for the twenty-one dogs, three kittens, one beta fish and tortoise in attendance.

The Reverend Canon Diane Jardine Bruce led the service with eloquence as she kept a sense of humor while blessing each pet. As she sprinkled “Holy Water” on our tortoise, she spoke, “Junior Soprano, may you be blessed in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. May you and the Marchant’s enjoy life together, even if you out live them, and find joy with the God who created you.” She blessed all twenty-one dogs, the three kittens and the beta fish wishing them healthy lives as well as reminding them to not get into “trouble”, be “obedient” and “to get along”. After all the animals were blessed the service concluded with “The Blessing of the People.”

As God has blessed you with these pets,
So may they be blessed by your love and care.
People of God here gathered,
Blessed [+] are you, who serve the living God as stewards of creation,
Who care for the weak and the innocent,
Who delight in the glories of this good earth!

Amen! Thanks be to God!

In the end, I held my temptation to find the humor in a service honoring pets, because in my heart, I know how important animals are to our environment. We would not exist without them. We could not exist without them and to say special prayers for the animals in our lives is a small way to pay tribute to something greater, God.

Thank God its Monday!

While most people love Fridays, I love Mondays. So, Sunday night after my children go to bed, I take a deep breath, and say a prayer that I have made it through yet another weekend. Hail Mary! Monday is just a few short hours away and my children will be back in school for the week! I don't want to sound like I don't love my children and that I count every second of the weekend (although on occasion I have) until Monday, but with four children trying to accomplish anything can be a task. Just when I sit down at my computer to work on my latest essay, someone is walking in my room, "I'm hungry" or "what are we doing today?" I just need a little time to myself, when my five and seven year old run in my room screaming at each other. "Please, I beg of them, I just need five minutes to concentrate." Not happening, my eleven year old wants to go spend her allowance at a store and my seven year old is "bored" even though that word is banned in our house, because if she is "bored" she can clean the garage. With all the running around we do during the week, I enjoy having time at home. I would think they would like that too? Not if I have things I need to get done. I seem to be on their radar if I pick up the phone or sit at the computer. Suddenly, I am needed. So now I know, there is always Monday, when my children have gone back to school and my toddler is sleeping, I can have time for myself. Hail Monday!

Four children in a pew?

Why does it always seem like my children are the unruly children in church? My seven year old is thirsty, my eleven year old is playing with her cell phone, my five year old is trying to climb over me to sit next to his sister and my eighteen month old, well, he's eighteen months and since he started walking his curiosity gets the best of him. I always choose the back of the church as to not disturb the entire congregation, but with four children in a pew it is kind of hard to go completely unnoticed. The problem with sitting in the back is that the kids see the exit.

I really try to come to church to find solace from my otherwise hectic life, but when I am at church trying to keep the kids still, I feel stress. There are moments when I really envy the parents with only one child, because I know when I am one on one with one of my four children life is great. Suddenly there is no competition for my attention, and my children become angelic, but not in a group of four, anything is possible.

My eighteen month old has pooped and needs to be changed A.S.A.P. or the entire congregation may need to be evacuated for what smells like toxic fumes. So, my husband gets up to change his diaper. As soon as my husband is gone, my five year old looks up and notices. He now has to go to the bathroom. I try to get up quietly and exit with him. While in the bathroom, I decide I may as well go, as my morning coffee has gone right through me. Before I can finish, I hear my son leave the bathroom. I am buttoning my pants and exiting the bathroom looking for him. Where has he gone?

As I am searching the church halls for him, I run into my husband with our toddler. Great. Still no Sam. Then from around the corner he appears with my seven year old. Can't we just make it through the service without having everyone leave the pew? As I am walking back to the service, my seven year old tells me she needs to stay outside, because the usher told her she could not come back? And I tell her we are going back. Big mistake!

My toddler wants his milk cup and I hand it to him, he takes a sip and throws it. He wants to get down and when I don't put him down, he starts fussing. My eleven year old offers to take him out. As I hand him to her and she gets up I see the usher shake his head in disapproval. Then my five year old wants to know where she is going and tries to climb over me to make his exit. My husband follows him and now I am left in the pew with my seven year old. How many times have we exited the church? I have lost count.

During the "Lord's Prayer" I start to feel tears well up in my eyes. And my daughter asks why I am crying? I just shake my head and wipe my tears with my sleeve. I wonder if I should even bother taking communion, but I muster up enough strength to walk up with my daughter, because I know it is the right thing to do.

During the recessional hymn, my seven year old sneaks out of the church. At this point, I decide I am going to wait until everyone exits the church before I join my husband and children outside. I need a moment of peace before I have to face them again. I know I can not think about others judging me, but I feel like they are. As I watched people exit the church, I had a few stares but I told myself no one else had to sit in a pew with four children. What would have happened if there had been four children in every pew? Would my children have been the only ones wanting water and needing to go to the bathroom? Most likely not. So, I came to the conclusion, you can never judge another person until you have sat in a pew with four children!

Cat Diapers?

Okay, I was alright with the adult diaper ads, but cat diapers? I am getting advertisements for cat diapers. That is absolutely crazy. A cat with an incontinence problem? I really need to do some research on this one. Who would keep a cat with an incontinence problem? People who have handicapped pets. I found a website for handicapped pets that need to wear diapers. This is so sad, I can make no further comments- Except anyone willing to have a pet with diapers needs some serious HELP!

Em's Top Ten Music Countdown

Since I often write about my eleven year old daughter I told her I would post her top ten songs for the week. Not to mention it will keep me up to date with what is "in" for music. Here is the weekly top ten from Em.... (And here's a little history, Em's number one song eight years ago was "Elmo's Song" on Elmopalooza)


10. Cupid's Chokehold by Gym Class Heroes (featuring Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy)

9. Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado (featuring Timbaland)

8. The Way I Are by Timbaland (featuring Keri Hilson)

7. Give It To Me by Timbaland (featuring Justin Timberlake and Nelly Furtado)

6. Crank That by Soulja Boy

5. Do It Well by Jennifer Lopez

4. Do It by Nelly Furtado (featuring Missy Elliot)

3. AYE TECHNOLOGY by 50 Cent (featuring Justin Timberlake)

2. Stronger by Kayne West

1. Lonely Day by System of a Down

A hot, hot "Shawty" or something like that?

I had to go to the "Urban Dictionary" for this. When I am in the car listening to my tween's music and I hear what sounds like "Shawty" in all these songs I need to know what it means. But first, I had to find the spelling. I had a hunch it was going to be spelled "Shorty", but that is definitely not how it is being pronounced.


1.shorty

affectionate term for a girlfriend, attractive female or concubine.

Yo shorty, it's your birthday!

2. shorty
Originally used to mean a young man, new to the game. By new to the game, I don't mean he just meant a rapper, but he just started selling crack, just started rapping, whatever, but even simpler it was a term used to mean just a person much younger than you.

Now, commercial rappers have turned the meaning upside down to mean a 'fine female', apparently.

"shorty's laugh was cold blooded as he spoke so foul,
Only twelve trying to tell me that he liked my style"
-NaS, 1994

3. shorty
1. Your girlfriend or girl that you date or go out with.
2. One of your closest friends, friend that you hang out with a lot.
3. An attractive girl that you want to meet.

1. "I love you Shorty."
2. "Hey Shorty, let's go see a movie."
3. "Dude, check out that Shorty over there."

4. shorty:
1. A cute girl or female
2. Your boo

"Only thing that keep me up when im feelin' down I dont know 'bout you but I keep mine around cuz I done look I done search and its hard to find anotha shorty like miiiiine..." Bow Wow and Chris Brown